Without Dance, Who Am I?

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot more in recent times. To make it clear, I have no intentions of stopping dancing anytime soon - I didn't come this far for nothing! However the current global situation and the way it is impacting the arts does worry me a lot, and I have never been the type of person to be unrealistic with my goals. Earlier this year, my dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer felt like it was almost close enough to touch, and I was so ready to do whatever it took to get there. Now the harsh reality of the effects of Covid-19 have set in, and it's left me wondering whether there is any chance that I will be able to make my dream a reality. It's challenging to see everything you've been working for begin to slip out of your reach, and to not know whether it will continue to get even further away or whether you'll somehow be able to make it work.

Prior to the current situation, there were already far too many pre-professional dance students in institutions around the world in proportion to professional dancing jobs. I am, like many others, my own worst critic, and for a while (especially in my first year at NZSD) I didn't think I was ever going to be worthy of being one of the lucky few who become professionals. However I am someone who is extremely driven to succeed in what I do, and I often feel that there is no point in doing something unless it is done to the highest standard that I am capable of. That attitude has got me to where I am now, but I am left asking myself whether my years of hard work will ever get to be seen on a professional stage. Part of that has to do with whether ballet companies will be able to hire in the next 1-2 years, whether I'll be able to even get to the auditions due to travel restrictions - things that are completely out of my hands. So, in thinking about this, I start to also think about who am I, without dance? Why am I so attached to this idea of being a dancer, and will I ever adjust if dance doesn't work out for me?

So, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, and I've come to realise that there are many things about myself that I do value that are not directly related to being a dancer (although they may have been shaped by my experiences that I have had through dance). These qualities are things that have served me well in all aspects of my life. I'm proud of my perseverance, dedication, and pursuit of excellence, no matter what it requires. I consider myself to be a good friend who is always willing to forgive, and a person who will listen when others need someone to come to. I am not afraid to be vulnerable (this blog is hopefully an example of that), and I feel a strong desire to help others and to see them succeed. I am more than just a dancer, but sometimes I lose sight of that. It is easy to become defined by what you do, and dance has been a huge part of my life - I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. My life has almost completely revolved around dance - leaving normal school at 14 to study full-time and do school via distance education, moving overseas to join a professional school at 16, and now at 18 I often wonder what life would have been like if I had taken a more conventional route. It's been on my mind lately that I may possibly need to choose another path sooner than I had hoped.

It's a harsh reality that awaits many dance students, and yet I know people who seem to have made the transition appear seamless and easy. I've also seen others struggle to come to terms with this new identity, finding it hard to find a new focus for their lives. It is of course easier if you have an idea of what you want to do, and this is something I am really beginning to think a lot about as I want to have my options open and ready for when I need them. I do believe that time spent training to be a dancer is never time wasted: the discipline, determination, and ability to work well with others are just a few of the things learnt that will serve anyone well in their life.

These thoughts I am about to write are things I am trying to tell myself, but I want to share them as I know there are many other dancers out there in the same position as me - on the cusp of a professional career, yet uncertain as to how they will navigate this journey and nervous as to what life will bring. Consider these words a letter to you, as much as they are a letter to myself:

Try your best to trust that things will work out in the end - your hard work will not have been for nothing. Dance has shaped who you are, but it does not define you. You will be able to succeed at whatever you end up doing, and the things you have learnt over the years of dance training will assist you in living a life that fulfills you. Dancers of all people know through experience that life is too short to do something you don't truly love, and that the road less traveled is often the one that takes you on a crazy, enjoyable ride. Step forward into the uncertainty with courage and a brave heart - if there is any time to give everything your all, it is now. This is an important time in your life: a season that you will look back on in years to come and reflect on how it changed you and your perspective. Relax in knowing that everything is happening for a reason, and that whilst you may not see it now, you will be so glad life unfolded the way it has and will continue to.

Photo by Stephen A'Court Photography